5 Ways Babies Are Like Zombies
On Sunday we were headed back to the ICT after a quick trip to see friends and family in Nebraska. Took the kiddo to the zoo in Omaha (Amaaaaazing!). I don’t think he is old enough to appreciate and look at the animals so much, but he enjoys the outdoors and seeing new things so I think he had fun, despite the super pissy, unamused look on his face…
1) They like human flesh. Immediately after birth, experts recommend skin-to-skin contact with your baby for a variety of benefits and reasons. Babies love that sh!t. Also, babies blindly gobble at the air around them in hopes of wrapping their lips around something fleshy to satisfy their hunger. Once they find it they painfully ravage it to the point that all that’s left is an unrecognizable, bloody mess. In addition, often times babies enjoy gnawing on fingers more than their chew toys (oops, they aren’t dogs…TEETHING toys) and pacifiers.
2) They make “walker” sounds. If you’ve seen The Walking Dead you know a “walker” is a zombie. I gave up on that show in middle of last season because there was too much soap opera emotion junk and not enough people-eating or walker-slaughtering. But that’s neither here nor there. Zombies make this kinda wet, raspy grunting growly noise and it’s creepy as hell. Babies make this wet, raspy grunting growly noise and it’s creepy as hell. It can be while they’re sleeping or pooping or excited or happy or simply breathing, but it sounds like there are little demons in their bellies. Ok, I suppose it’s also kinda a lil bit cute. Still, though, sounds likes demons.
3) They are livened by noise. When you’re trying to keep a zombie from noticing and eating you, stay quiet and still – like you would to avoid a run-in with a T-Rex. Everyone’s seen Jurassic Park, right? Anyway, if you make a loud noise, you’re boned. Don’t cough. Don’t sneeze. Don’t laugh. Don’t blow your nose. Don’t clear your throat. A fart could be the difference between life and death, and also the difference between a sleeping, peaceful baby and an awake, pissed off baby. The simple acts of chewing, moving the position of your arm so it doesn’t fall off when you’re holding a sleeping child, or dropping something in the next room can be catastrophic. Live in constant fear at nap time as though it’s the zombie apocalypse.
4) They are fearless. Babies and zombies alike will impale themselves on spikes, dive off balconies, touch fire, wander into barbed wire, and tumble down stairs. Both are clueless and have no sense of risk or consequences. Zom-babies are armed with nothing but their eyes on the prize and can-do attitudes, which for normal people could be a good thing, but in this case it’s just a recipe for disaster.
5) They are filthy. Zombies & babies always have sh!t on their faces – brains, entrails, spit up, sweet potatoes…you name it. At the end of the day, a baby’s clothes are as dirty and ratty as a walker’s that has been wandering the countryside in the elements for weeks. After rolling and crawling all over the floor and drooling peas and carrots and milk out of their mouths and somehow managing to wipe it all over themselves, babies get dirty and dingy, from neck roll gunk to toe jam.
At least babies are cute and have, like, all their skin and stuff.